


Hold Each Other

by invisiblerambler (tayloreliza6)



Series: You'll Be Okay [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Evan supports Jared, Jared has anxiety too, M/M, New part of this series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-19 06:38:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10634334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tayloreliza6/pseuds/invisiblerambler
Summary: Jared Kleinman is the one that always seems to have together, and never takes himself too seriously. That attitude only works for so long, and eventually he has to call on Evan to hold him together. This fic takes place sometime during/after the events of the musical, and is canon compliant as far as Connor being dead.





	1. Something Happens When I Hold Him

**Author's Note:**

> A/N I wrote this on a day where my anxiety was kind of at an all time high and I was in class and really needed somewhere to put it. So I’m writing for my favorite pair about Jared having an anxiety attack and Evan at first being almost entirely useless, but eventually figuring it out. 
> 
> This is the first chapter in a new part of this series. It's in the same verse as The Sun Will Rise, and I doubt this will be the last I write for these two in this series. I have plenty more ideas, and I also post one shots over on @invisblerambler on tumblr, so please go yell at me and send me requests/prompts over there.

Jared woke up with a dangerous combination of cotton and live wires filling his head. It would only take one misplaced wire to have the whole thing go up in flames. He had woken up several hours before his alarm, and his room was still dark. He at first tried to turn over and go back to sleep, but after about a half hour he gave up and began scrolling through his phone. This usually helped to at least numb his brain for a little while, but today it all just seemed to contribute to the noise further. 

Finally, it was time for him to get out of bed and begin getting ready for school. Jared hoped his compromised attention span wouldn’t affect him in class too much today. All this ran through his head as he quickly changed into khakis and a sweater, brushed his teeth, and styled his hair. The routine helped to momentarily calm him, and he began to believe that his the cotton had cleared and the wires reconnected. Sadly, he was sorely mistaken, but he pushed through choking down some apple slices to appease his mother, and rushing out the door to pick up Evan for school. 

The minute Evan walked outside of his house to get into Jared’s car he could sense something was wrong. Jared had tried to keep it from showing on his face, but Evan could read Jared better than most. Evan wasn’t keen about pushing Jared to talk about what was wrong, but with the way he seemed to vibrate in the seat, Evan wasn’t given another choice. 

“Hey, Jared is everything okay today, you seem a little shaky?” Evan had a hunch about what was going on, but his own neuroses made him want Jared to confirm this for him before taking action. 

“I mean I just woke up a little earlier than I intended this morning, so just tired, but everything else is fine.” Jared was lying through his teeth, since waking up the noise had turned into the cocktail of roaring noise, and cyclical worries. Jared smiled to try to ease Evan’s worry, but it was hard to stop his hands from shaking on the steering wheel. Evan allowed the rest of the ride to pass in silence, but used the silence to steel himself for the confrontation that Evan knew he couldn’t avoid. As the car slowed to a stop in the parking lot, Evan grabbed Jared’s hand as he began to prepare to leave the car to force Jared to look at him. 

“We’re going to be late if we don’t hurry, why are you looking at me like that?” Jared’s mask was slipping, and he hated lying to Evan. Then again he also hated worrying Evan, and the first seemed like the lesser of two evils. Evan and Jared stared at each other that way until Jared finally broke first. 

“Okay fine, I was really anxious when I woke up this morning, and I woke up from another anxiety dream that I can’t remember. My head feels like a million live wires all at once, and I barely have been keeping down breakfast since I got into the car. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to sit through school today with my mind screaming at me, and my chest so tight I feel like I’m dying.” Jared wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry, and he also wasn’t sure if he really felt better, so he just sat holding back tears and shaking lightly. Evan’s hand moved from Jared’s and at first Jared thought that it was because Evan couldn’t handle what was going on. Honestly, Jared didn’t blame him, Evan had a lot going on without having to comfort Jared. Their relationship was complicated enough as it was, and this was just one more thing to push him away. 

Evan moved his hand from Jared’s to then gently touch him on the shoulder, at which Jared at first flinched away from. Then after catching Jared’s eyes already teeming with tears, he spoke quietly trying to reassure him. 

“Jared, it’s alright, you can tell me when you’re not having a good day. Me of all people would understand that better than anyone.” Evan tried to keep his face neutral to the worry that was growing inside him, Jared wasn’t often this vulnerable so the fact that he was today was a bit of a shock to Evan. 

“Maybe you should take the day and we can sit and watch terrible horror movies or whatever you need. You and I know both know your focus will be shot, so let’s just call the office, get out of school and drive back to your house again.” Evan’s eyes begged for this, and had already unlocked his phone to the dial screen to call the school office. Thankfully they both had special permissions for absences for their mental illness. Jared didn’t speak, he was no longer crying, but he nodded slowly, and Evan despite his phobia of phone calls managed to call the school office with minimal issue. 

Jared calmed down a little, but still thought it best for Evan to drive, so he handed the keys, and slid out of the seat. Evan took them gently and squeezed Jared’s hand just to reassure him. With that gesture, Jared finally found the words to speak, barely whispering, 

“Let’s go home.” Evan relaxed hearing Jared speak, and stuck the keys back into the ignition to start the car again. After the engine purred to life, Evan pulled out of the student lot again and began driving towards Jared’s house. His parents wouldn’t be home, and it would hopefully make Jared more at ease to be at home. Evan hadn’t had to talk him down from these very many times before, so he hoped that what he was doing wasn’t making Jared worse. It didn’t seem that way, but Evan didn’t put it past Jared to pull it together again just for Evan’s sake. Evan opened his mouth to make small talk several times, but decided to turn the radio on quietly to Jared’s favorite station instead and continue holding his hand. Until they were no longer in a car, that was about all that Evan could do. Jared spoke quietly again, 

“Thank you.” It barely came out as a barely audible sentence, but Evan heard it and it made all the difference in the world for him. They made it to his house, and Evan pulled Jared’s car into his stall of his parent’s garage. At first Jared didn’t move, and was shaking slightly staring into space, then after Evan released his hand to touch Jared’s shoulder he seemed to come back into himself. In several jerky moves he took his bag from under his feet and exited the car. Evan was close behind and waited for Jared to open the door and walk inside his back door and followed him in. Upon stepping across the threshold, Jared promptly fell to the floor and began weeping, all the emotion that had been barely contained all morning spilled over into body-wracking sobs. 

Evan rushed into the kitchen dropping his backpack to the floor, and kneeling next to Jared. For the first few minutes he didn’t say anything, just kept his arm around Jared’s shoulders. Then he began whispering in his ear, 

“Baby girl you really need to get off the floor, this can’t be comfortable, and you’ll like it much better on the couch at least, or your bed. Just as long as I can get you up, let’s move into the living room maybe?” Evan’s voice was a waver away from breaking, but wouldn’t let Jared know how much seeing like this scared him. Jared finally met Evan’s eyes and they were wide with fear and tears, but Evan stared back steadily willing Jared to stop shaking, even though Evan knew how impossible that was. 

It was obvious to Evan that Jared didn’t want to or couldn’t get up without Evan’s help, so he lifted from underneath his armpits, and stood him up as gently as possible. The minute that Jared was on his feet, he swayed unsteadily, and Evan hugged him to keep him from falling over. After a moment, Evan untangled from the hug and led Jared over to the couch where he promptly almost collapsed into it still shaking and crying. Before sitting down to comfort him, Evan tried to uncurl his body enough to sneak a pillow beneath his head, and then set the pillow and Jared’s head on his lap. He stroked his Jared’s hair softly, and whispered sweet encouragements in his ear. 

Evan sat with Jared until his tears fell less rapidly, and his shoulders started hitching in the way that they do after someone has had a good strong cry, but they’re trying to begin catching their breath. Jared had tried to choke out words between sobs, but Evan gently shushed him, and told Jared to take his time and not speak until he could. Jared’s breath eventually steadied, and Evan was so engrossed in stroking Jared’s hair and his own thoughts, that Jared lightly touched the arm on his hair to gain his attention. Upon seeing Evan jump from the surprise touch, Jared immediately regretted it, but the smile that came across Evan’s face helped slow his over-beating heart just a little. 

“Hey, you a little better now?” Evan struggled to find the right thing to say the way that Jared always did after a panic or anxiety attack. Jared was just glad to hear Evan’s voice, and he slowly but surely found his own back as well. 

“Yeah, I think I’m over the worst of it, but I wish my parents had let me see that psychiatrist right about now.” Jared knew this probably wasn’t the right time to discuss this with Evan, but he was so vulnerable right now, that any sense of filter he had was gone. Evan sighed deeply, and steeled himself to answer, this was a touchy subject for both, and Evan wanted to avoid sending Jared back into an anxiety spiral. 

“I think you need to have another conversation with your parents about that, and this time I will talk to them with you, and tell them exactly what happened today. At minimum it would help if you had something you could take in emergencies like this, obviously I only know from my experiences, but regardless it probably can’t hurt.” Evan searched Jared’s face for a reaction, after Evan said this Jared sat up slowly and leaned heavily back into Evan’s shoulder and the couch. Jared knew Evan was right, and simply changed the subject, 

“So do you want to watch a movie, or I can make some sandwiches?” Evan was horrified that Jared would even ask, because when the roles were reversed, Evan wasn’t allowed to do much of anything for at least a few hours, just because of how exhausted Evan would be, but here Jared was trying to put on a brave face and buck up for Evan. 

“I think the only think you’re going to do this today is rest and take a mental health day, you’re in no shape to be hosting me, and since I already know where everything is I’ll whip up some lunch when we’re ready, and maybe cookie baking is in order for the afternoon?” Evan knew that Jared would feel better if he only let himself sit for a little while, and the structure would help him return to normal. 

Jared agreed, and after Evan made lunch to put in the fridge for later, he settled down to watch one of Jared’s favorite movies, “Moulin Rouge.” Despite it being horribly tragic, Jared loved the music, as well as Ewan McGregor, so it was impossible for Evan to tell him no. The two whiled the day away, in each other's’ arms, Evan eventually setting out lunch, and cookie making supplies. Jared continued to be a little touch and go throughout the day, but Evan had become more attuned to his tricks, so he tried to ground Jared as much as possible before it could spiral. They continued in this blissful bubble until Jared’s parents came home, that was when the real trouble started.


	2. The Nights Get a Little Bit Colder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared has to confront his parents about going to a psychiatrist, and it goes pretty much exactly how he expects it to. Not well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here I am again projecting onto fictional characters, regardless I really felt like this was a cathartic chapter for me to write. That being said, as much as I hope this isn't a universal experience, I know it can be, so I hold up this chapter not to take away hope but give it back. Anyway, I've talked too long, enjoy, and I'll see you all next Friday.

Jared had calmed down considerably during the day that him and Evan spent together, in fact he had almost succumbed to the exhaustion that his anxiety caused when his mother first pulled into the Kleinman’s driveway. At the sound of her car and the garage door opening, Jared was put on edge all over again, and sat straight up from his place on Evan’s lap. Evan heard the doorknob start to turn, and squeezed Jared’s hand tightly to try and bring Jared back down from his almost electrified state. 

“Hey Jared, how are you? The school told me what happened, and I hope you didn’t have to spend the entire day alone.” Mrs. Kleinman’s voice floated into the living room from the kitchen, and while there she took in the cookies freshly baked on the counter. She smiled to herself realizing who had spent the day with Jared. 

Jared stood slowly, Evan close behind making sure he didn’t pass out from the way that he had begun hyperventilating. They walked together slowly into the kitchen, and Evan gave Jared’s hand one last squeeze before lightly letting it go before they came into Mrs. Kleinman’s view. 

“I’m okay I suppose, I just had a rough morning and figured breaking down here was probably better than in the middle of math class.” A bit of Jared’s signature snark had snuck back into Jared’s voice, but Evan knew it was mostly a front to keep his mom from worrying. Yet a part of him hoped it meant that Jared was feeling just a little better. 

“I think you made the right choice, just make sure you get all your makeup work when you go back tomorrow.” Mrs. Kleinman had begun hanging up her coat, and made her way towards her and Mr. Kleinman’s bedroom upstairs to change out of the slightly stuffy dress clothes she wore to her marketing job. Jared used this opportunity to build up the courage to ask his mom for the conversation that him and his parents have needed to have for months. 

“Mom, when dad gets home, there’s something important I’d like to have a conversation about, and I want both of you to be present.” Jared sighed heavily after the words coming out in a rush, Evan rubbing his arm carefully to reassure him. His mother called her response back down the stairs, and didn’t seem to think too much of her son’s declaration. 

“Okay honey, whatever you say, your father told me he might have to work a little later tonight, but as long as it’s not too late we should be able to do that.” Mrs. Kleinman’s mind wandered thinking about what her son might want to discuss, but nothing stuck, so her mind moved towards what she planned to make for dinner. 

Jared turned to Evan with a panicked look on his face, but did his best to try and reassure Jared that he was doing the right thing. Evan didn’t want to leave Jared alone in this conversation, but he knew it was probably the best thing he could do. So he wrote out some talking points for Jared, and after making small talk with Mrs. Kleinman excused himself to go home since Hedi had the rare night off and would be expecting him home soon. Jared knew this was a lie, but let Evan leave him in the conversation he could no longer avoid having. 

The rest of the time before his father returned home from work Jared frantically texted Evan as quickly as he would respond. He needed the reassurance even from afar and Evan was his lifeline in this confrontation. A small part of him was mad at Evan for leaving, but they knew that Evan couldn’t be there if Jared wanted complete openness and honesty. They had both come to that conclusion when this discussion was first brought up, and now that Jared was closer to being in his normal state of mind, his logic had kicked back in and he understood this. Although all the logic in the world couldn’t act the same as the calm he felt with Evan by his side. 

The rest of the time before dinner passed without too much incident, but Jared grew more and more fidgety as he couldn’t stall the conversation for much longer. As dinner was cleared away, Jared cleared his throat and gained the attention of both his parents to finally break the silence and introduce whatever was so important in the words of his mother. 

“I think I should go to a psychiatrist.” Jared didn’t expect the words to come out so easily, but he had been working himself up to this for weeks and even months. So the buildup didn’t really show in the outcome. His parents were at first slightly shocked, Jared had been in therapy fairly consistently most of his school career because of his misbehaving and eventually the discovery of his giftedness, but medication had been discussed and shot down multiple times over the years. So the revelation of Jared self-advocating for this wasn’t a possibility they had previously imagined. His father was the first one to speak, and it wasn’t exactly the response Jared hoped for. 

“Well, I thought up until now that the therapy was really working and you like your therapist?” Jared could see the cogs turning in his father’s head and didn’t like where he seemed to be headed. In the silence, his mother found her voice, and joined in on the conversation. 

“We’ve talked about this and medication has never been something that was considered to be an essential part of your treatment plan, where is this coming from?” His mother’s face was etched with worry, and confusion, and searched her son’s face for answers. 

Jared searches for the words to explain why he needs this, and at first comes up with nothing. All Jared needs is compassion and a listening ear, but he’s being met with shut doors and limited understanding. Evan tries to fill in where Jared can’t seem to find the words, and does his best to bridge the gap of understanding with filling in details of his own journey with anxiety. Jared isn’t sure this will change their minds, since they view Evan as much more inhibited by his anxiety. When in reality, Jared is just a lot better at hiding it. 

The rest of the conversation is a blur of confusion and anger, but Jared seems to get through to his parents that he is asking for a referral from his therapist for a psychiatrist in the area, and they will make the final say. In Jared’s words, 

“They didn’t go to school for over eight years to have laymen doing their job.” Jared was trying to do his best to keep his voice steady, but the anxiousness from the day creeped back in slowly. Evan tried to be receptive to this and squeeze Jared’s hand encouragingly, but he felt so helpless in this family battle of wills. 

After everyone had seemingly finally said their piece, Jared dragged himself up to bed, and Evan had returned briefly at Jared's prompting hoping to say a few things before they said goodnight. 

“I’m not sure if that went as well as you hoped, but I think overall it probably went as well as could be expected.” Evan tried not to project onto Jared and his parents, but he knew how they had treated Jared’s mental health in the past, so he hoped to be encouraging. 

“You’re probably right, but it’s just still so frustrating. Especially after I have a day like today, and I know that I could either be managing it better on a day to day basis, or have something when I have the really bad days.” Jared’s shoulders dropped as he said this, and he suddenly seemed so small and childlike on the bed. Evan said nothing else, just wrapped his arms around him, and held him tightly. Jared began crying quietly, and the two sat there like that, until about a half hour later, Evan quietly whispered good night to the exhausted Jared that had finally fell into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yell at me on tumblr @invisblerambler


	3. Is There Anybody Out There?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared tries to digest the fallout of his conversation with his parents, and Evan comes alongside him. This won't be an easy journey, but they will be together every step of the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N This entire series is pretty much me just projecting on Jared, but in some ways I relate to him more closely than I do Evan. So I’m sorry that I project onto fictional characters, but I hope that you all are enjoying this despite it being an elaborate scheme for me to work out my own feelings in fictional settings. I live for feedback, so please comment, or yell at me over on tumblr @invisiblerambler

Evan was hesitant to text Jared the next morning and ask how he was, neither outcome of what Evan expected seemed to be one he could properly handle. Either Jared would push away everything that happened yesterday, and bury it under layers of sarcasm, or he would be painfully blunt and spill everything he felt to Evan in a way that Evan didn’t feel equipped to handle before ten o’clock. Thankfully, Jared didn’t respond, and while that at first made the pit of Evan’s stomach drop, after having traveled down his thought spiral for a while, he finally concluded that Jared probably just wanted to discuss it in person on the ride to school in about a half hour. 

Evan nervously got ready for school, but managed to keep the shake out of his voice and hands as he put his backpack on the floor of Jared’s car. He then got into the car and arranged his legs around his backpack. He let out a sigh before trying to meet Jared’s eyes for the first time that morning. 

“How are you doing after last night?” Evan tried to meet Jared’s eyes, but ended up searching his face to find some kind of reaction. 

Jared felt Evan’s eyes on him, and slowly turned his head to reciprocate his gaze. He already knew he’d find fear and worry mixed with empathy, but somehow he didn’t want to let his guard down today. A big part of him just wanted to be fine, and not need the meds, or even explore them. He knew that was just the stigma he had internalized deeply, but was so hard to overcome years of messages about how unnecessary those types of medications were. He logically understood how important they were, especially after seeing how much they helped Evan. 

He had strived for all of his life to cover up all the ways in which he was weird or strange. It was easy once he realized that people could laugh with him and at him, without actually seeing or laughing at him. It was easy to hide behind his sarcasm and jokes, so his problems were hidden beneath all of that. Yet, now, he was coming face to face with years of anxious tendencies and nervous habits, and he couldn’t run from it or deal with it on his own any longer. 

Going to therapy had been the first step, but at first Jared wasn’t ready to accept the work that it would take. It was much easier to just convince himself and his therapist that he was fine, he was high-functioning, and that was inhibiting towards his own progress or recovery. Jared heard Evan’s voice pulling him out of his thoughts, and even so deep in thought, Jared was able to drive most of the way to the school by muscle memory, but tried to come back into himself to engage with Evan and finish the drive. 

“Sorry, I was just caught up in last night, and everything my parents were talking about.” Jared tried to hide the tiredness from his voice, but Evan saw it all over his face. 

“I know that wasn’t an easy conversation to have, but in the end you’re going to be happy that you are pursuing this. You won’t know if this will help you until you try, and before you say it this doesn’t mean you get to stop going to therapy.” Evan stressed this because he knew how anxious even going to the appointments made Jared feel even if he felt better afterwards. 

For the rest of the drive Evan and Jared stayed silent, both just engrossed in their own trains of thought. There was a lot more that needed to be discussed, but neither was in the headspace to do so. Evan slipped his hand across the console that divided the seats, and touched Jared’s should in what he hoped felt like solidarity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I'll see you all next week Friday for the fourth chapter. I'm not sure how many chapters this will have yet, but I'm really enjoy where it's going. If you have any feedback or constructive crit I live for comments, kudos, or even come and yell at me over on tumblr @invisiblerambler!

**Author's Note:**

> Yell at me on tumblr, @invisblerambler updates every Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, depending on when I remember to get on AO3.


End file.
